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The secret is out.

I’ve been trying online dating for a little over a year now. There’s been some small successes, one failure, and dozens of deleted messages from what could only be a wooly mammoth scientists recently thawed out of an iceberg. But through all 55 weeks of this experience, one unchanging truth remains: people are morons.

Experts say that 54.6% of online daters describe themselves by saying they “like to have fun,” and by experts I clearly mean me. After all I should know: I’m an expert.

You like to have fun. Of course you do. If something is fun it provides amusement or enjoyment, so in other words, you like doing it. It is by sheer definition impossible to feel any other way about it. Unless you live in some Addam’s Family parallel universe where good is bad, right is wrong, and Christina Ricci’s isn’t hot yet, you can’t help but “like fun.”

Do you see where I’m going with this? The statement “I like to have fun” practically consumes itself in circular logic and, if meditaded upon for more than ten seconds, is certain to make your head spontaneously combust. Go ahead and try. I dare you. But I’m not going to be the one to Squeejie your cerebellum off your monitor.

If you join a site that requires you to describe yourself please, for the sake of all that is good in this world, don’t use this sentence. Describe yourself. Say you “like fine dining”. Say you enjoy the outdoors, hiking, or kayaking. Hell, say you like snuff films and that hunting the homeless gives you an erection. At least that makes a statement about your character.

I take that back: saying you like to have fun does make a statement about you: it says you’re an idiot. But don’t despair: that perfect someone who “loves to laugh” is out there, just waiting for you to help them spawn a family of mutant offspring, thus pissing in mankind’s already stagnant gene pool.

“Those who desire to give up freedom in order to gain security will not have, nor do they deserve, either one.” - Ben Franklin

Angry isn’t strong enough a word to describe what I’m feeling right now. I’m fuming, seething, frothing at the mouth with angst and contempt for our elected officials. It used to console me to think that I didn’t vote for them; but our Democrat-majority congress has proven to me today that party affiliation is irrelevant. In times of hardship democrats and republicans, liberals and conservatives alike can come together to pass legislation that legitimizes the illegal actions of members of their elite little club.

Today Congress passed the amended FISA (Federal Intelligent and Surveillance Act) act which, in essence, legitimizes warrentless wiretaps, searches, and seizures against citizens of the United States. You know, the kind of thing that the 4th Amendment to the United States Constitution protected us against. This bill not only grants new powers to the federal government, but also grants immunity to the President of the United States as well as the telecoms he used to perform illegal wiretaps against citizens during his administration. You can argue that he did what he did for national security. You can argue that it was in our own best interest for these laws to be broken. But that doesn’t change the fact that a felony was committed by the President of the United States. It’s immoral, irrational, and dangerous to allow our President to change the law in order legitimize his own criminal activities. If this doesn’t upset you, you need to wake up.

By the way: Obama, “Mr. Change”, Mister I-Will-Hold-The-Telecoms-Responsible, voted FOR the amended FISA bill, backpedaling 360 degrees from his previous position. If you think he’s the change this country needs, you’ve got another thing coming.

The New York Times covered this whole debaucle. Anyone want to join me in DC soon? It’s time to take out the fucking trash…

Update: FISA isn’t just about phone calls, this is about your Internet traffic being monitored as well. When they’re done with the terrorists, what’s stopping them from coming after Internet pirates and other armchair criminals?

Dear Friend,

I’ve lost friends death. I’ve lost friends to jobs and marriage. Not until yesterday had I lost a friend to their own self destructive lifestyle. It kills me that I can’t save you from yourself anymore, and you can’t possibly comprehend how betrayed I felt that you chose an abusive boyfriend over your best friends and alcohol over your own children. It’s only a matter of time before he hurts you again and the ironic part is that, though you’ve forced us away, we’ll still be here and just as eager to hide his body when it happens. That is, if you’d let us be.

I hope some day you come to understand that we speak inconvenient truths because we love you and know that you need to hear them, not because we think ill of you or judge you. I hope that some day you realize the friends you’ve chosen to surround yourself with aren’t friends at all, but enablers that tell you what you want to hear then hand you another drink. They make you feel better now, but later they will be your undoing.

And I hope that some day you can learn to love yourself again as much as we love you. It breaks my heart that you won’t let us soften the blow when you hit rock bottom, but since pain is the only emotion you understand perhaps that’s exactly what you need.

Though you can’t be in our lives right now you’ll always be in our hearts.

Your friend,

Brian

Thought for the night: online dating services would be more appropriately named potential male role and baby daddy location services. Now that I’ve dated or been shot down by most of the available women that I know and my social circle is slowly closing in around me, I’ve decided to give a couple of these services a try. This is what I’ve found.

Originally I believed that online dating was meant only for the hopelessly unattractive or disfigured, but that’s only half the story. After trolling Cupid and Plenty of Fish for needy and emotionally draining women for about an hour I realized there was an entire demographic that I had been neglecting: single mothers!

There seems to be two distinct groups of single mothers that utilize online dating. The first are those looking for someone to help raise their kids. You can’t blame them for looking online. I’m sure there are a plethora of introverted men looking to bypass the social experience of falling in love and would prefer to pick out a family online, similar to the way they shop around for their japanese tentacle rape pornography. Lord knows I do! The second is the strong and independent mother that doesn’t have the time to get out and meet men. This group seems promising! I’ll post an update in a few days and let everyone know how this online dating thing works out.

When the love has gone sour, losing a loved one can feel like a breath of fresh air. Here’s to a better tomorrow for both of us, babe.