I had a dream last night that I felt really defined me as a person. There was a girl: no one I know in real life, but in my dream she represented someone I really care about. This girl was frustrated with me for some reason left unexplained by my subconcious mind, and told me she wanted to punch me in the face. So I let her, and after she beat me mercilessly I asked if “that’s all she’s got.”

There are a couple of forces at work here. First, the girl was frustrated with me. I know I’m completely maladjusted to the opposite sex. As much as I love them, I have no skill at interacting with women and I presume they become quite frustrated when I fluctuate between being too timid to talk to them and falling head over heals in love. I got problems, I’d be blind to not admit it.

Secondly, the girl in my dream punches me in the face. Not only does she beat me mercilessly, but actually I ask for more. This facet of the dream is probably the best metaphor for my personality that you could think up. I’m a masochist. I let people use and abuse me emotionally, and on some level I like it. I feel like I’m doing the right thing by martyring myself for those I care about, and that in itself gives me pleasure. Its not because I’m the selfless individual that I like to think I am, its because I’m selfish just like everyone else, and revel in the pain/pleasure of being used.

Every once in a while I find it fun to turn my eyeballs inward and take a good hard look at myself. I don’t always like what I find, but I hope to have a good understanding of the me that everyone else has to interact with.