To any actual mentally deficient folks reading this blog, I owe you an apology: not for alluding to the word retard in my title, but for demeaning retarded people everywhere by associating them with the sort of daft, uncoordinated ogre it must take to throw a controller through a television. Do I have to apologize to ogres now too? Sorry Shrek.

Let me set this inflammatory little story up by telling you a few things about myself. I’m the proud owner of a Wii, and I play it often and for long stretches (we’re talking till the batteries die here, folks). I’ve had my Wii for two weeks now and have already finished Red Steel and Twilight Princess, without the aid of strategy guides like some of you sissies out there.

In addition, I’m also lazy, overweight, and out-of-shape: “human wasteland” would not be an inaccurate description of my physique or my personality. Whilst playing the Wii I indulge in perogies by-the-box, coffee by-the-pot, and cigarettes by-the-pack. I need a nap after walking down the stairs, ladies and gentlemen. I take breaks from playing to go to the bathroom, but only because my penis won’t fit in an empty soda bottle. I’m lazy!

I’ve also got some anger management issues. Just yesterday my DVD player was laid to rest for resetting itself in the middle of the movie, and by “laid to rest” I mean I beat it to death with my hands like it was a whining toddler (don’t let me babysit). So you can imagine how, erm… “passionate” I can get when I’m struggling with a game.
But the thing is this: Insane times (fat + lazy) to the Wii’th power does not equal Broken Television. Multiply the left side of that equation by RETARD and the right side by Nintendo’s worth divided by the number of the bloodsucking lawyers in America, and you might be getting somewhere.

First off, prior to every game there is a visual warning to wear your wrist strap accompanied by detailed instructions on how to attach it. They even include pictures in case your illiterate in addition to being born with assholes on the tips of your hands instead of fingers.

Second, its pretty difficult to just forget that you don’t have the wrist strap on. All the waving around is supposedly how the Wiimotes are going through the televisions anyway, right? Which means that the wrist strap will also be flapping around against your wrist. It’s not like your being beaten about the arm with a rubber hose, but its noticeable.

Thirdly, I have a little trouble understanding how the wrist strap can snap when there is absolutely no reason to swing your Wiimote without having a firm grip on it in the first place. How can the wrist strap break when there is no reason at all for that chord to ever be “pulled tight?”

Finally, in all the marathon video gaming I did in the last two weeks, not once did I break a sweat; and I already told you what kind of condition my body is in! Your hand would have to be awfully slippery to lose the grip on the Wiimote. We’re not talking Cheeto’s grease here either. We’re talking a tube of KY… and the controller does vibrate, so I suppose I’ve just solved the mystery.