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The secret is out.

I’ve been trying online dating for a little over a year now. There’s been some small successes, one failure, and dozens of deleted messages from what could only be a wooly mammoth scientists recently thawed out of an iceberg. But through all 55 weeks of this experience, one unchanging truth remains: people are morons.

Experts say that 54.6% of online daters describe themselves by saying they “like to have fun,” and by experts I clearly mean me. After all I should know: I’m an expert.

You like to have fun. Of course you do. If something is fun it provides amusement or enjoyment, so in other words, you like doing it. It is by sheer definition impossible to feel any other way about it. Unless you live in some Addam’s Family parallel universe where good is bad, right is wrong, and Christina Ricci’s isn’t hot yet, you can’t help but “like fun.”

Do you see where I’m going with this? The statement “I like to have fun” practically consumes itself in circular logic and, if meditaded upon for more than ten seconds, is certain to make your head spontaneously combust. Go ahead and try. I dare you. But I’m not going to be the one to Squeejie your cerebellum off your monitor.

If you join a site that requires you to describe yourself please, for the sake of all that is good in this world, don’t use this sentence. Describe yourself. Say you “like fine dining”. Say you enjoy the outdoors, hiking, or kayaking. Hell, say you like snuff films and that hunting the homeless gives you an erection. At least that makes a statement about your character.

I take that back: saying you like to have fun does make a statement about you: it says you’re an idiot. But don’t despair: that perfect someone who “loves to laugh” is out there, just waiting for you to help them spawn a family of mutant offspring, thus pissing in mankind’s already stagnant gene pool.