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To any actual mentally deficient folks reading this blog, I owe you an apology: not for alluding to the word retard in my title, but for demeaning retarded people everywhere by associating them with the sort of daft, uncoordinated ogre it must take to throw a controller through a television. Do I have to apologize to ogres now too? Sorry Shrek.

Let me set this inflammatory little story up by telling you a few things about myself. I’m the proud owner of a Wii, and I play it often and for long stretches (we’re talking till the batteries die here, folks). I’ve had my Wii for two weeks now and have already finished Red Steel and Twilight Princess, without the aid of strategy guides like some of you sissies out there.

In addition, I’m also lazy, overweight, and out-of-shape: “human wasteland” would not be an inaccurate description of my physique or my personality. Whilst playing the Wii I indulge in perogies by-the-box, coffee by-the-pot, and cigarettes by-the-pack. I need a nap after walking down the stairs, ladies and gentlemen. I take breaks from playing to go to the bathroom, but only because my penis won’t fit in an empty soda bottle. I’m lazy!

I’ve also got some anger management issues. Just yesterday my DVD player was laid to rest for resetting itself in the middle of the movie, and by “laid to rest” I mean I beat it to death with my hands like it was a whining toddler (don’t let me babysit). So you can imagine how, erm… “passionate” I can get when I’m struggling with a game.
But the thing is this: Insane times (fat + lazy) to the Wii’th power does not equal Broken Television. Multiply the left side of that equation by RETARD and the right side by Nintendo’s worth divided by the number of the bloodsucking lawyers in America, and you might be getting somewhere.

First off, prior to every game there is a visual warning to wear your wrist strap accompanied by detailed instructions on how to attach it. They even include pictures in case your illiterate in addition to being born with assholes on the tips of your hands instead of fingers.

Second, its pretty difficult to just forget that you don’t have the wrist strap on. All the waving around is supposedly how the Wiimotes are going through the televisions anyway, right? Which means that the wrist strap will also be flapping around against your wrist. It’s not like your being beaten about the arm with a rubber hose, but its noticeable.

Thirdly, I have a little trouble understanding how the wrist strap can snap when there is absolutely no reason to swing your Wiimote without having a firm grip on it in the first place. How can the wrist strap break when there is no reason at all for that chord to ever be “pulled tight?”

Finally, in all the marathon video gaming I did in the last two weeks, not once did I break a sweat; and I already told you what kind of condition my body is in! Your hand would have to be awfully slippery to lose the grip on the Wiimote. We’re not talking Cheeto’s grease here either. We’re talking a tube of KY… and the controller does vibrate, so I suppose I’ve just solved the mystery.

I realized something today: I have no regrets that I turned my back on my old friend, the video game console, so many years ago.  I loved my NES and my Sega Genesis; but when Sony and Microsoft entered the console market and the race began to see who could squeeze the most buttons and triggers onto a single controller, I decided PC gaming was the right path for me.  I sat back and watched as my friends spent their hard-earned money on the Nintendo 64, GameCube, Playstation, Playstation 2, XBox, and the XBox 360.  One thing I learned from them is that entertainment can’t be measured in buttons or polygons.

When Nintendo’s Wii was originally announced, I was skeptical.  Two controllers per player? Motion detection? Despite the fact that I’ve been gaming since the age of about 5 (my gameing cherry was popped on Burger Time for the Intellivision), I still have trouble with an XBox controller because I gave up on consoles pretty early on in my career as a gamer.  I also had doubts that Nintendo could deliver an affordable, functional motion detection system for a home console.

I had no intentions of buying any of the current generation consoles.  That is, until I watched Steven Colbert box Nancy Pellosi on The Colbert Report.  After that I had to have one.

After two weeks of showing up at Electronic Boutique twice daily to beg for a Wii, I finally wrapped my greedy little paws around one last Saturday, and it was all I hoped it would be.  The controls are completely different between games they are dead simple.  Most games do the standard “training level”  which teaches you the buttons and gestures to use; and, for me at least, I’ve been able to learn hand gestures a lot faster than complicated key combinations like one would use on consoles past.

I have but two complains about the Wii: the first is that playing the Wii in any of the standard relaxed, gaming postures is unbearable with the Wii or simply doesn’t work.  Your arms need mobility to play most games, so you’ll spend a lot of time either standing up or hunched over.  My second complaint is that, though the Wii comes with built in 802.11b/g wireless support and connects to the Internet to download software updates, it has no web browser. Luckily Opera Software will soon be releasing one, and my prayers will be answered.